OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
