The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
