She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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