If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
