I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you had me at cake vodka
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
