We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
