one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I need moral support for this bender
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
