Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
