I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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