Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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