i just had sex bonerless
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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