Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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