I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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