Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize