I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
