Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
