i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
