Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize