shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
and she was petting her beer can
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
