I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
