I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
