That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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