hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
