just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
