Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
