he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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