Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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