wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
