why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
