my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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