Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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