fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
