there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
