The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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