How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
