Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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