sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
