our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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