Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
