my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
