Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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