$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
