nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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