so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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