she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
