I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
