Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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