when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
