i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
