this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
