now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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