Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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