after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
