so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
