I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
