I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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