i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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