I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
