This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
