I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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