I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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